The world can’t get enough d*cks. It doesn’t matter if they’re big, small, twisted in a corkscrew or if they have a weird thing hanging off the head; people are fascinated with penises. And if the dongs in question are famous penises, then the fascination grows tenfold.
A penis doesn’t need to be a turgid science fiction prop to become famous, all it needs is an interesting story. A gargantuan penis is great, but if it wasn’t removed from a corpse so it could be worshipped as a fertility idol then what’s the point? These historical penises belonged (and belong – some of their owners are still alive) to men of power, bank robbers, and rock stars. But the mighty penises also ruined the lives of some of their owners, leading them down roads of destitution and low blood flow.
Some of the most famous historical penises are shrouded in myth, so much so that you have to trim away a healthy amount of folklore surrounding the famous genitals to get to the true penis and see what it’s really about. Some famous penises, like Jimi Hendrix’s, have been preserved forever in plaster, while other mythical penises have been lost to the sands of time and only survive in tales handed down from mother to daughter and Internet commenter to Internet commenter. Read along as we try to shed some light on these famous penises that went down in history.
John Dillinger – Larger Than Life, Even in Death
John Dillinger is one of the last American folk heroes, but not just because he robbed 24 banks and four police stations. Thanks to a notorious crime scene photo taken after his death in a shootout at the Biograph Theater in Chicago, IL, on July 22, 1934 – which appeared to show the deceased gangster with a raging hard-on – a rumor began to circulate that his penis was being kept at the Smithsonian. We don’t know what it was about John’s Dillinger that would prompt anyone to want to keep it in under glass, but some young Indiana Jones thought that it belonged in a museum.
The truth of the matter is that Dillinger’s penis is probably decomposing along with the rest of his body in Indianapolis, but that doesn’t mean that the rumor hasn’t persisted into the 21st century. Word on the street is that if you ask someone from the museum about Dillinger’s penis, they’ll simply say that it isn’t on display.
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Rasputin – The Wizard with the Bewitched Wand
This mad Russian mystic may be one of the most misunderstood and semi-fictionalized people in history. What we know for sure about Rasputin is that he was an advisor to Czar Nicholas II of Russia, and that held some kind of magical sway over a wealthy sect of Russians, and also, he was a sex machine. Supposedly, he took on Czarina Alexandra, Nicholas II’s wife, and a Russian Empress as his lovers all thanks to his 13-inch penis. After Rasputin was assassinated (allegedly by being beaten, shot, stabbed, and drowned) his genitals were cut off to either be kept as a souvenir or as a final jab at the most hated man in Russia.
Somehow (there are way too many unsubstantiated rumors to list here), Rasputin’s penis ended up being worshipped for fertility reasons by a group of Russian émigré women in Paris. When Rasputin’s daughter heard about this, she demanded the women return the specimen and that was the end of it. That is, until 1994, when a collector of oddities showed up and waggled a penis around for anyone who wanted to see. Unfortunately, this was actually a dried up sea cucumber (ain’t that how it always is ladies?). But something that is supposedly Rasputin’s real penis is on display at the Museum of Russia Erotica and it looks horrifying.
Prince Albert – Fashion Forward
Everyone knows that the Prince Albert piercing is a ring that extends along the underside of the glans from the urethral opening to where the glans meets the shaft of the penis, right? But it had to take its name from somewhere, and most evidence points toward Prince Albert, Consort to Queen Victoria. Supposedly, he had his penis pierced so he could move it to the right or left without there being a noticeable bulge in his trousers. In Albert’s day, the piercing was known as a “dressing ring” and it allowed the penis to hook onto one side of the pants or the other. Is your mind blown yet?
In reality, there’s little to no likelihood that Prince Albert actually had a penis piercing. According to researchers at The Guardian, Albert was such a prude that he wrote angry letters to one of his sons after he learned that the young man was having a fling with an actress at an army camp in 1861.
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Jimi Hendrix – Forever Preserved in Plaster
It’s inarguable that Jimi Hendrix was a guitar god and a sonic innovator whose short time on this earth wielded some of the most groovy, experimental, and rockin’ tunes that came out of the ’60s. But the legendary guitar player also had a legendary penis that was thankfully preserved in plaster by none other than Cynthia Plaster Caster.
The whole endeavor began as an art school project where one of Caster’s professors gave the class an assignment to, “plaster cast something solid that could retain its shape,” and she decided to start using a dental mold in order to convince rock stars to sleep with her. Whatever works, you know? According to Caster, Hendrix was pretty cool about the whole shoving his penis into a mold thing, even when his pubes got stuck. “[Jimi] was a casting dream. When his pubes got stuck in the mold because I didn’t lube them enough, he didn’t freak out at all. Just very patiently f*cked the mold while he waited for me to pull out one pube at a time.” According to the mold, Jimi’s penis was 6 inches by 6 inches, but he insisted that he was only at half mast
Napoleon Bonaparte – A French Officer with the Short End of the Stick
For generations, the world has been obsessed with Napoleon’s penis. But why? There was always talk that it was incredibly small, but does that matter when the person it was attached do was such a celebrated military officer (and is also dead)? During Napoleon’s autopsy, a doctor may have accidentally removed several of Bonaparte’s vital organs, and while he was at it, he cut off his penis for good measure. Somehow, the member made its way to a London bookseller who cataloged the item as a “mummified tendon” (that’s your new band name, by the way), and from there it made its way to Philadelphia.
In 1927, a journalist from Time magazine described the member as a “maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace.” Burn. In 2014, a documentary film crew traveled to New Jersey to get a better look at the penis and to further examine whether or not the one-and-a-half-incher actually belonged to Napoleon. While his penis might be significantly smaller than some of the other titans on this list, it’s held up much better than Rasputin’s third leg. Evan Lattimer, the owner of the penis, said, “It’s very small, but it’s famous for being small. It’s perfect structurally, the university have done X-rays and examinations and it’s obviously what it is.” You hear that, guys? It’s a structurally perfect penis. Nice.
Milton Berle – There’s Nothing Funny About This Penis
If you’re one of the many comedy nerds who tore through Live from New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live, then you know all about the story of Milton Berle whipping out his penis and slamming it on a table in front of a producer. But even though there are stories upon stories about the “immense size of Berle’s penis,” no one has ever actually presented the world with specifics beyond making it the punch line of a roast of a stand-up routine. After Milton Berle’s death in 2002, he was the subject of one final roast at the Friar’s Club, where one-line master Freddy Roman noted, “On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried.”
Lyndon B. Johnson – President Jumbo
Lyndon B. Johnson loved his d*ck. It’s almost like he was an extension of his penis’ personality, rather than the other way around. Stories about Johnson’s johnson have been running in the background of American political journalism for decades, with the 1967 issue of subversive, satirical journal The Realist printing an alleged excerpt from William Manchester’s The Death of a President that saw Lyndon B. Johnson sexually assaulting one of JFK’s bullet wounds onboard Air Force 1. But it wasn’t just made-up stuff that had America a-titter about the Presidential penis.
Recently, audio from one of Johnson’s phone calls to a tailor was released where he asked for his pants to be adjusted in the crotch so they could accommodate his giant testicles. As he says in the audio, “These [pants] are the best that I had in the United States so leave me about an inch from under me back to my bunghole.” But ordering pants to his specific fit doesn’t make him a jerk. Who wouldn’t want to order perfectly fitted trousers? The thing that makes him a d*ck-obsessed douchebag is that he couldn’t stop playing with himself in front of people.
Whenever Johnson found himself at a urinal with someone, he would pull out “Jumbo” (BTW he nick named his penis Jumbo) and ask, “Have you ever seen anything as big as this?” while he shook it at whomever had the bad luck of standing next to him. Stay classy, Lyndon B. Johnson’s ghost.
Adolf Hitler – Meincro Penis
In 2015, the book Hitler’s Last Day: Minute by Minute gave some very intimate details of the führer’s genocidal genitals. According to historians Jonathan Mayo and Emma Craigie, “Hitler himself is believed to have had two forms of genital abnormality: an undescended testicle and a rare condition called penile hypospadias in which the urethra opens on the under side of the penis.” This news caused a stir in the press when people took Hitler’s wonky urethra to mean that he had a micro penis.
The authors of the book went on to say that penile hypospadias is similar to a micro penis because the”penis is fused to the body, meaning in some instances it can appear smaller.” But honestly, after what Hitler did to the Jewish people, minorities, gypsies, homosexuals, and the English we should make it job one to permeate the air with the idea that he had a micro penis. Aside from the micro penis that Hitler definitely (probably) had, there was also talk of his need to be injected with bull semen to boost his libido.
The death of John Holmes was the end of an era for a specific type of porn star. Other than Ron Jeremy, there’s no other penis that’s nearly as synonymous with the sex industry, and unfortunately, Holmes is also synonymous with HIV. Holmes came up in the golden age of porn when the films were still shown in theaters and at stag parties, when it was still a massive – albeit ignored by the mainstream – arm of the entertainment industry. There’s a lot of mythology and straight-up bullsh*t floating around about John Holmes, but by the end of his career, he made 2,500 films, and at the height of his prowess, he was commanding $3,000 a day. It’s not bad work if you can find it.
It goes without saying that Holmes owes all of his success to his legendary penis. Because of our natural ability to exaggerate, and the excessive nature of the porn industry, Holmes’ penis was said to be anywhere from 10 to 16 inches long, depending on who you asked. Holmes himself claimed that his penis was 16 inches long and 13 inches around, which – if you’ve seen it – you know is either a lie or a confidence unknown to any other human being. According to Annette Haven, a popular porn actress at the time, Holmes was never fully erect during any of their scenes. She said sex with Holmes was like, “doing it with a big, soft kind of loofah.”
Size discrepancies aside, Holmes was well-known for making a myriad of ridiculous claims about his penis that should only be read aloud in a faux-Brooklyn-tough-guy accent. In the documentary Exhausted: The John C. Holmes Story, Holmes said he had to stop wearing underwear because, “I was getting erections and snapping the elastic waist band four or five times a month.”
John Wayne Bobbitt – What a Way to Become Famous
Anyone who grew up in the ’90s remembers John Wayne Bobbitt and the miserable tale of his runaway penis. In 1993, Lorena Bobbitt (John’s then-wife) claimed that John came home after cheating on her and went to sleep. Exhausted with his emotional abuse, she went into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and cut off his penis at the base. To add insult to injury, Lorena went for a drive with the severed penis and errantly threw it out the window into a field. Afterwards, she came to her senses and called 911; John’s penis was reattached in a nine-hour surgery.
Following the incident, Lorena was put on trial for the assault but was found not guilty due to insanity, causing an irresistible impulse to sexually wound John. They divorced and John did everything he could to turn this very big negative into a positive. He started a band called The Severed Parts (gross!) and starred in two adult films that played off his sliced up penis. The first was called John Wayne Bobbitt: Uncut, which was followed by John Wayne Bobbitt’s Frankenpenis.
Juan Baptista dos Santos – Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun
The most interesting thing that had happened by 1843 was the year without a summer, so think about how crazy it must have been when Juan Baptista dos Santos arrived on the scene with two penises. The man with two penises was born in Portugal, and unlike a lot of 19th-century people with medical oddities, he was completely healthy and “normal” save for the extra working penis and something that resembled a third leg that was actually two limbs fused together as one with a small and supernumerary anus. Although surgeons advised a surgery to separate the limbs, Santos just went on his merry way and became something of a minor celebrity.
A report conducted on Santos in 1865 revealed that not only did he have a voracious sexual appetite, but that both penises actually worked like gang busters, and when one finished he could immediately start using the other. In order to keep everything in place, Santos wore a special sling that bound the third limb to his upper thigh.
Mr. Hands – When Horseplay Turns Deadly
This famous penis doesn’t actually belong to Kenneth Pinyan, or Mr. Hands as he would come to be known on the Internet, but to the horse that used its penis to accidentally kill Pinyan. After a motorcycle accident, Pinyan lost the ability to feel certain sensations and began to seek out more extreme forms of sexual gratification. What began with light anal play quickly graduated to fisting, and finally being anally penetrated by a horse.
In 2005, on a plot of land in unincorporated King County, Washington, Pinyan and a group of fellow zoophiliacs were having sex with a horsewhen the animal’s penis went too deep into Pinyan created a “perforation” in his colon. One of Pinyan’s buddies anonymously dropped him off at the emergency room shortly after the incident, but he died shortly afterwards of acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon. In an investigation following Pinyan’s death, the Seattle police seized hundreds of hours of videotapes of men engaging in receptive anal sex with horses from a farm that had come to be known as “a destination for people who want to have sex with livestock.”
Jonah Falcon – What a D*ck
Jonah Falcon is most well-known for having the largest penis on earth. According to Rolling Stone, he’s 9.5 inches when he’s flaccid and a full-on 13.5 inches when he’s completely hard, and his d*ck been described as “grotesque,” “gorgeous,” “hideous,” and “stunning.” Has anyone actually found a penis to be “stunning?” According to Falcon, his erect penis “generates enough heat to warm hands – campfire style – from a distance of six inches.” Raise your hand if you think that sounds like made up fact.
Falcon has stated multiple times that John Holmes, the legendary porn star, is his biological father, as if that could be the only reason for the size of his penis. Even though Falcon says that he has “confidential” information about his lineage, his family members think he’s full of it. Since there’s nothing about Falcon that doesn’t have to do with his penis, in 2014, he agreed to donate his penis to the Icelandic Phallological Museum after his death.